|&& Im Better Off Anyways.
||[Jul. 13th, 2005|10:45 pm]
Sometimes, I dont remember exactly why I care. && those are the times that I remember everything. The cologne you wear, the food we ate, the song on the radio, my hairstyle, how cute it was that our chucks always matched, that annoying (yet still adorable) thing you do when you're eating faster than even you can handle; but mostly- the way I know my eyes lit up when you smiled at me. The warmth that I grinned back at you. There are times when I cant remember when I ever cared what I wore. There were times when I could be out the door in 5 minutes in the morning. And then... Suddenly, I wanted to look beautiful -FEEL BEAUTIFUL- even though you would swear that I always was regardlessly. I just wanted to look my best for you. Was that such a crime?
And after I remember it all, I try to forget it again. What good is remembering, anyways? It's nothing but a waste of tears. A waste of emotions. A waste of my time. Really, it's just a waste of me. Call me female, 'cuz I know I'll never be able to get past this, even though I'd give every breath in my body to be able to. Call me a fool, because once- I never would have questioned saying "I love you" to you. Call me stupid, because I used to wish that things were different than they are now. Call me eloquent- because I've written thus far && not broken down yet. Call me crazy, because I think that's what I am for still giving a shit.
Sometimes, the sky IS a brighter blue than it normally is. Or, ever was. I swear, things are coming back into [focus]. && I love how you're not around to witness the change in me or to see the person that I'm becoming. I love how there's nobody to make me cry, or hold me back. Mostly, I love how I'm beginning to realize how much better off I am. Im not without, really- I've GAINED. Sometimes, I relapse though. But there are people who DO unconditionally love me, and they set me straight. They support me. && I know that I can count on them. Always. ♥