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Like there's REALLY such a thing as being too late... [Nov. 7th, 2005|08:16 am]
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]

So, he's perfect, && he thinks that I am too. No really, he tells me this. Although, I dont know why-- have to admit that it's utterly cool that he thinks so. Really is. :] The best part is, that even though he's oh, -- 5 years too late, and 712 miles too far away [the only real complaint I'd have] I don't really care. Yeah. So what, it's been 5 years. Point is: he digs me. He makes me smile. && laugh SO HARD. He tells me that his day gets better when he can talk to me; reminds me of the little stupid things we did in middle school; plans to take me to the beach at 2am because I said I want to go & look at the stars &- will stay the night on the beach with me, because I want to see the sun come up over the water, too. He watches Legends of the Hidden Temple reruns, and knows that there are NO BETTER kid movies than 'The Never-Ending Story' or 'Fern Gully' ever made. He gets my "My Cousin Vinnie" refrences- and thinks they're funny. He calls me babe. It's cute.

And I bet... he'll be the kind of guy who can get away with kissing me on the forehead. What a feat. No joke. That's a feat. :]

but, you know. He's still 712 miles away... And that's way too far for me to have a relationship with someone. I couldnt do it. I have to *be* with someone to be with them. See them on a regular basis, hug them, kiss them, randomly go to their house at odd hours of the day-- you know the deal. 50 miles I can handle. But 700. I just can't bring myself to do it. [Which is why we plan for college, right kids? Lol. Apparently, we're going to live in an apartment together. The girl with the crazy guy who plays the drums 'till 3am. (or so Im told) lol.] I think I adore him. Come on now. Why does the big man way up there hate me?! The one kid who could get me over Zac... Really, the ONE kid who could teach me to fall in love again, and to TRUST guys again, and truly want to be in a relationship with -- he lives 712 miles away. Oh irony. I HATE YOU. =/
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Darling -- I Already knew. [Sep. 7th, 2005|05:02 pm]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[music |Mommy's Yoga Mix]

Already Knew, Darling. I Already Knew.
Current mood: pensive

Already Knew...

Our faces so close,
I can feel your every breath against my neck.
And I giggle, because I know...
Your smiles make me weak in the knees, darling;
had I ever told you that?
Maybe I should have before now.
Maybe I should have turned around before today.
Finding you waiting for me, like you knew.
It's as thought I already knew....
How did you get to know me so well?
Of all people, you know I can't hide from you.
There's something about the way you take my hand and lead me--
you bring me back home.
Back into your arms.
I never should have left.
Noone elses are quite the same, didn't you know?
Noone elses will ever be the same.
[Thank you for setting the standards so high.]
Your breath against my neck,
and I knew where my home was.
Somehow, you were waiting there for me,
at the end of your driveway when I turned back around to claim
what is rightfully mine -- and always was.
It was as though you already knew.
You already knew, you already knew.
Darling -- I already knew, too.
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A string of things. Maybe thoughts. Maybe... not. [Sep. 4th, 2005|04:42 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Green Day -- Loaded on FUSE]

So, it's been a while since Ive had the time to sit down and write a real entry. Sure: there's been lots of times when I could have just entered a line here or there to let you know that Im still alive, but no- I chose not to. Maybe it's because nothing too signfigant has happened in the last few weeks. Wait; that's not true. I got in my first car accident a week ago. -grimace- I rear-ended some woman on 278. I mean come on- wtf was she DOING stopping short in the MIDDLE of 278?! Pretty sure you're not supposed to do that. Oh yeah- and when you want to turn... there really IS a point to your blinkers folks. USE THEM! kthx. ;]

Matt & I have been dating for a full month now. Its crazy. Saddly, he was grounded all week and couldnt come white water rafting with us this weekend. Oh well. -shrug- I have a feeling we're going to be goin' to Ocoee more often, so he could possibly come with us then. Im going to stop by to see him tomorrow afternoon when I get back into town too. Got my car, so I can show it to him. =] && maybe he can help me wash it. -- yay. *just ignore the fact that the tiny rear window is tapped together, currently. Some punk ass kid shot out the back windows of all the cars on our street with a b-b-gun. So, yeah. Aly = none too pleased. Grr. It jsut cost $327 to replace, so it'll be about a week 'till I can fix it. You'd never think that such a tiny window would cost so much, 'cept it's a company part, & they have to be specially cut to fit the modle of Trooper I drive. Yes, I'm always the expensive one. I know, promise.

hmmm.. there's a bit of anamosity with me and the thoughts in my head this weekend. I'll solve everything though. It's just going to be interesting to do. Tonight, being with Mackey, Theresa, the kids, Deborah, & everyone else in Lebenon, TN will be a great distraction. Distractions = love. <33

Other news:
-- next tuesday I have to go to the doctor, again, for my follow-up. *yay!* =]
-- next week is -hell week- for our Phi rushes. FUNNN.
-- Friday = REALLY REALLY BUSY. :: HB vs. Glencoe ; GHS vs. [someone] ; Etowah @ home ; Blake's B-day ; T-DAY ; we tell our little sisters who we are.
-- a bunch of other things, but... I need my calander to remember them all. blah. I think Im beginning to get a little bit too busy. =/ Nah. Couldn't ever do THAT. =]

So, Im going to go eat, and see wether or not we're going to Lebenon tonight. Otherwise,
well... Idk. I'll find something to do. Always do. =p
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I told you it was magic, darling. [Aug. 20th, 2005|11:12 pm]
[mood |jubilantloved.]
[music |Fallout Boy. <33]

he loves me.

&& I've never been such a girl...
because that's the way he makes me.
God... He's my miracle. <33

i love him too.
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Its only the end of the beginning. [Aug. 12th, 2005|05:27 pm]
[mood |giddygiddy]
[music |Fall Out Boy- Sugar, We're Going Down <33]

It's Friday, August 12th, and I swear... only like, 3 days have passed since Warped tour, but it's been a week and a day. I've been with Matt for a week. I've been to school for 3 days, although: when we go there, and were sitting in homeroom- it felt like we'd never left. Only like we'd been on a long weekend, or a fall break or something equally insignifigant to time. But it was 3 months. && I wouldnt change a second of it. Ever. Things have finally started to look up; plans are taking shape, and Im smiling all the time again. My real smiles too, not just the ones I keep in reserve so people dont realize how unhappy I am underneath. [I blame Mrs Howard for makeing me such a lovely actor.]

Theres so much that I feel like I should say, but... I just CANT say it. Not because I dont want to, but because for some reason, I dont know how. A very rare thing in my life, for me to be speechless. Normally I dont shut-up. Whoops.

Matt makes me so happy- that I swear Im going to burst. Am I in love with him? No- currently, Im not. & I dont exoect him to be in love with me either. But I really REALLY like him. He makes me feel beautiful, and graceful [maybe becuase he's clumiser that I?] and just... fun to be around. There's just something about him that makes me smile so easily, and just feel so comfortable; like us dating isnt the random & sudden thing that it is- that it's always been. You know, it was just a long time coming. which is cool with me. I guess I can be patient, after all. =] Point: ALY. Werider- I had the biggest crush on him like, 2 years ago when we met at Kens club. There was so much crap going on then, and things in his life had been making him so depressed, I had just wanted to crawl into his arms and make him smile, laugh, anything to help him feel better. Protect him, even. & now- that's what I can do. now, it's part of my job description. It makes me smile to know that I can always be there for him to depend on. & it makes me smile even harder to know that he wants to be there for me, too.

this year, we're going out with a bang.
unless we decide to stay in. <33

i love.
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Do You Believe In Magic? [Aug. 5th, 2005|09:31 am]
[mood |gigglygiggly]
[music |Fallout Boy -- Sugar, We're Going Down]

warped = love, yo.
& magic. _____ <3

things have changed; & if they keep making me this happy, then I can be sure that it's for the better. And did i ever mention that I thrive in change? =]

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&& Im Better Off Anyways. [Jul. 13th, 2005|10:45 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]

Sometimes, I dont remember exactly why I care. && those are the times that I remember everything. The cologne you wear, the food we ate, the song on the radio, my hairstyle, how cute it was that our chucks always matched, that annoying (yet still adorable) thing you do when you're eating faster than even you can handle; but mostly- the way I know my eyes lit up when you smiled at me. The warmth that I grinned back at you. There are times when I cant remember when I ever cared what I wore. There were times when I could be out the door in 5 minutes in the morning. And then... Suddenly, I wanted to look beautiful -FEEL BEAUTIFUL- even though you would swear that I always was regardlessly. I just wanted to look my best for you. Was that such a crime?

And after I remember it all, I try to forget it again. What good is remembering, anyways? It's nothing but a waste of tears. A waste of emotions. A waste of my time. Really, it's just a waste of me. Call me female, 'cuz I know I'll never be able to get past this, even though I'd give every breath in my body to be able to. Call me a fool, because once- I never would have questioned saying "I love you" to you. Call me stupid, because I used to wish that things were different than they are now. Call me eloquent- because I've written thus far && not broken down yet. Call me crazy, because I think that's what I am for still giving a shit.

Sometimes, the sky IS a brighter blue than it normally is. Or, ever was. I swear, things are coming back into [focus]. && I love how you're not around to witness the change in me or to see the person that I'm becoming. I love how there's nobody to make me cry, or hold me back. Mostly, I love how I'm beginning to realize how much better off I am. Im not without, really- I've GAINED. Sometimes, I relapse though. But there are people who DO unconditionally love me, and they set me straight. They support me. && I know that I can count on them. Always. ♥
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Know Where You've Been;; Then Go. [Jul. 10th, 2005|05:15 pm]
1oo Things Everyone Needs To Kn0w About Me:

1. Im probably the most trusting person you'll ever meet.

2. Sometimes, my optimism is a mask;; that's right kids- my face doesnt come with a smile-warranty.

3. I hate roses.

4. I love daisies && tiger lillies. Oh- && Snap Dragons.

5. Take me camping over a night in a luxury hotel- it's more fun in the dirt, as far as Im concerned.

6. LusH has become my -middle- name.

7. It takes a LOT to make me mad & really REALLY hate you.

8. Call me a pascifist, because Id rather talk than knock your lights out, even though Im capable of it.

9. I know what it's like to not know where your next meal is going to come from. And it sucks.

10. In FLA, I lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with 7//8 people in it, depending on the day.

11. I love my step-family, && I realize that I lucked out in getting the greatest new mom & dad.

12. My room is yellow. & I love it.

13. I have the biggest walk in closet known to man; well- maybe not. But close.

14. We have a maid. It hate it.

15. I SWEAR, we're not "rich".

16. My dad has a "Hulk" gene that takes affect when he gets upset; I've acquired it.

18. I was a CHeerLeaDeR for 3 years. I loved it. Shut up.

19. There are times when I want to run back to him, && just stare.

20. I used to show horses. && I won. Lots.

21. Ive read almost EVERY book in the YA section at Barnes & Noble.

22. Ive read a lot of books.

23. I have a shoe fetish.

24. My nose is entirely my own. It doesnt match anyone in my family's.

25. I want to get my lip pierced. (Upper right, lower left.)

26. I'm going to have 5 tattoos.

27. I have a diary on every online journal site known to man.

28. Holding grudges is not my style; but its okay if you want to be mad at me. I just wont talk to you either.

29. you can NOT embarass me. Ever. Its not possible.

30. You cant scare me either. Feel free to try it, though.

31. Gadsden is the first place I ever felt at home in...

32. Ive only been in love once. (You only wish you knew who it was with.)

33. Im picky about who I date.

34. I like my coffee. Hot/cold/lukewarm. Mocha/caramel/expresso/specialty blend. ALL with extra chocolate shakey on top of some whipped cream.

35. Im a camera wh0re.

36. When I grow up, Im going to live in North Carolina, in an old planation home on 20 acers of rolling hill property.

37. Im looking forward to being a soccer-mom when I'm in my 30s.

38. In college, I'll live in a loft apt. down-town somewhere. Rickity metal stairs up to my door & everything.

39. I dont have a favorite color.

40. Or Band.

41. I will NEVER dye my hair with any kind of blonde. EVER.

42. If I did crack, I'd prolly explode.

43. Im into astrology, and check my horoscope religiously.

44. sometimes I say too much.

45. sometimes I say too little.

46. Id rather go to Waffle House than anywhere fancy on a date.

47. Sometimes, I crawl out onto my roof with a blanket && look at the stars.

48. I wish I could play an insturment. Particularly guitar.

49. Bass players are HOT.

50. Dancing in the rain is a sport for me.

51. Once, I was a ballerina. && I rocked.

52. I won a scholarship into a dance company; but I had to dr0p it.

53. I like to sing.

54. I have, like, a 2 second anger rebound rate.

55. There are only a few things that I honestly regret doing.

56. Im not afraid to end something if it'll be better off in the long run, no matter how much it hurts in the present.

57. Little things steal my heart. Like bubbles. && coffees. && middle of the night telephone calls. && 7 am text messages asking how I slept.

58. Im pretty easy to get along with.

59. I love eyeshadow.

60. I own 3 blue eyeshadows, a blue eyeliner, and blue mascara.

61. Thunderstorms = love.

62. I never wear foundation or concealer. Unless it's for prom.

63. Speaking in 3rd person is second nature for me.

64. Stage acting = love.

65. Thinking about writing a novel.

66. I like to procrastinate every now and then.

67. My mom & I harldy ever agree on anything.

68. My dad doesnt ever remember anything I tell him, so I stopped telling him things.

69. Im obsessed with being healthy most of the time. Just dont expect me to count carbs, or calories, or ANYTHING stupid like that.

70. My locker at school is ALWAYS spotless.

71. Old friends make the best new ones.

72. Im not as easily amused as I appear to be. It's just more fun to ACT like a ditz and then blow you out of the water when you discover that I actually CAN use my neurons. Boo-ya.

73. 19 is THE most important number to me. Really.

74. I think, "The Strange Career Of Jim Crow" by C.Vann Woodward is the most awful, boring, long-winded book Ive ever read.

75. I cant fall asleep with the radio or TV on.

76. but I CAN sleep at a concert. In front of an amp that's being used. Go figure.

77. Im not modest. At all.

78. Im not the monster that some people in Hokes Bluff make me out to be. Well, not the creature Tharon says I am. >>So if you know her, dont listen, mkay?

79. I used to be a jock. Major.

80. I have very few female friends; guys are just more relaxed.

81. There is more drama in 0ne day of my life than one episode of Laguna Beach//The OC.

82. I wish I wore glasses.

83. When I was a kid, I wanted braces S0 bad...

84. I dont take compliments very well, although I love recieving them.

85. I can type, talk on the phone, & read a book- all at the same time. Multitasking, yo.

86. Once, I snuck my boyfriend into my school to have lunch with me. && I got away with it.

87. Cutting 8 inches off of my hair was a BiG deal for me.

88. I bite my fingernails.

89. My phobia is the WEiRDEST: lack of circulation to the fingers

90. My dream car is a 1957 Ford Fairlane 500. Thats right folks, a NiNETEEN-FiFTY SEVEN.

91. I can have a conversation with Amanda, and only use these words: Wow. Things. People. Memories. YOU know...

92. I have a very distinct style of writing.

93. Sometimes you have to introduce yourself to me a few times. Im pretty bad with names/faces.

94. Telling me "I met you at a concert" is probably one of the most vauge statements you could ever make to me. I meet EVERYBODY at concerts.

95. If I tell you "I love you", you'd better believe that I mean it. Because I do, no matter what the context: relationship wise, friend, family. I LOVE YOU.

96. Im easily distracted.

97. I HATE that we have a maid.

98. I'd rather go thrift store shopping than hit up AE, Aero, Rampage, etc.

99. I own my own sewing machine. && I can use it. (Sort of..)

100. I like to spoil people. Espessically the people I date. Just dont spend $$$ on me back. I have a complex...mkay?
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Lets Make It So I Can Breathe, Mkay? [Jul. 6th, 2005|08:26 pm]
All of a sudden, I feel like I need to get away. Just disapear off the radar for a little bit ;; get away from the townies and the melo-drama that consumes our lives. Because really, that's what it has done- consumed us. I feel like I cant think outside of what's going on these days, cant remember anything that doesnt make me want to rip my heart out so I dont have to feel it twist into angry knots anymore.

I was talking to Anna ealier, and what I said to her really just sums it all up, I think. I feel like I cant breathe when Im in town, but I feel like Im suffocating when Im away from town. Its bad when Im there, and worse when Im not. Really, I thwear I hate high-schoool. Just like I thwear Im not an em0 kiid. (Im sure you all believed that as much as I do.) Pretty sure if I can jsut disapear for a while, things could get better. Maybe I'll see if I can snag a flight back down to S. Fla for a bit. Crash at Uri's or Trisha's or someone's. Jackies, even. There are lots of places that I could stay at unconditionally. I dont have to think when Im in S. Fla. They do it all for me, Im jsut along for the ride... Maybe I'll go south for a bit... Maybe // but prolly not.

[edit] - aprox 4:45 pm

Right, so three rounds of pool alone, and then severly kicking my brothers ass and I was hoping that myhead would be a little bit clearer. But, wouldnt you know- Im still just as confused as ever. I miss people. I miss things. I miss feelings that I never wanted to have to begin with. But mostly: I miss him. (I swear, it's not who you think it is. Or maybe you're really smart && it is. In any case, it's not either of the obvious ones.) Sometimes I wish I could just... rewind life and fix things when I knew they need fixing but I was too afraid to do it. Go back and put people in their places because I know the consequence of trusting them too much now. But maybe its good for me that I fucked up, again. Maybe I was supposed to realize a bunch of things, and this is what I took to get the point across to me.

It's July now, and school starts again in August. There's still so much that I need to take care of, && only so much time for me to keep putting things off in.

I thwear... Maybe too much.

[end edit]
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If only, If only... This mood could last. [Jul. 2nd, 2005|10:40 pm]
[mood |contentcontent]

I swear, theres something in the water lately. I haven't felt so good or alive or.. happy in a while. Not since April, anyways. And personally I think that's something to be proud of; my happiness. Really, I thwear Im not an emo kid.

Fact: there are some people that I need to talk to, && the fact that I havent been able to yet is irksome, but okay. >> also a major improvement for me.

Fact: the color's returning to my eyes. I thwear, today they sparkled when I was talking to Sam. >> that's something to cheer about, people.. So why cant I hear you clapping!? (No, really- its okay, you dont have to clap. I can do that on my own. Thwear.)

Fact: Uhm, Sam Cook is TOTALLY hot with his faux-hawk. Not to mention completly down to earth now that he graduated. (When did he learn my name?!)
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